LIFE as I know it

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-10T23:12:00.002-05:00

Mother's Day... another sad, but happy day!

I should have counted the number of times I heard "Happy Mother's Day" this weekend. You never think about it until it stings!!!

In 2007, I became a mother when we "conceived" by IVF. We were excited to become parents and with twins - scared, but very happy!!! Our dreams were finally coming true. It was OUR turn for a change! April 2008, we got to see our boys for the first and last time. Mother's Day comes and goes. No "celebration" for mother's with children in Heaven... we should have our own holiday!!! But, my celebrating will be in Heaven with my boys!!!

Sunday morning, Cary and Nic (nephew) woke me up to a very special "thinking of you" card! I couldn't help but cry when I saw it! It made me happy that these two special men in my life thought of me today! They picked out a "special" gift for me. What do you get a mom without children here with her? An iTunes gift card! Cary told me Nic picked the card out, he wanted to get one for 739 dollars, but settled on $25 instead. What a special nephew I have!!!

All in all, Mother's Day was nice! A day of church, lunch and Norah Jones!!!

I thank God everyday for my mom and mother-in-law. They both show so much love for my family and I couldn't ask for better mom's!!!

Happy 2nd Birthday Boys!

2010-04-12T22:07:00.006-05:00

APRIL 12, 2010

Today is a day of celebration. Although we are sad and miss them very much, we celebrate the Boys 2nd Birthday today. It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since Braden and Brody were born. There have been good times and bad, but I can honestly say I would not change it for the world. My sons had a purpose in their lives (although it was only in my belly and not here on earth) and I truly believe God is working to change mine and Cary's life for the better. He has led us closer to him in the past few years which is a blessing! I always complained about having to get up early to go to church as we were growing up and complained about going to all the services. It was so boring!!! Cary and I have started going back within the past year and are now teaching Children's Church. I know it's scary! I enjoy Sunday mornings so much and don't mind getting up to go now! Sunday afternoon naps are always the best too!

I find myself listening to a song by Jeremy Camp called "Healing Hand of God" The lyrics are powerful and so true. I have seen the healing hand of God throughout the past 2 years and he continues to heal us everyday!

I have seen the many faces,
I fear in the pain.
I have watched the tears fall plenty,
From heart ache and strength.
So if life's journey,
Has you weary and afraid.
There's rest in the shadow of his wings.
I have walked through the valleys,
The mountains and plains.
I have held the hand of freedom,
It washes all my stains.
If you feel the weight of many trials,
And burdens from this world.
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord.

Chorus:
I have seen,
The healing hand of God,
Reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God.

I have touched the scars upon His hands,
To see if they were real.
He has walked the road before me,
He knows just how I feel.
When you feel there is not anyone,
Who understands your pain,
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering.

(Chorus)

Cast all your cares on Him,
For He cares for you.
He's near to the broken and confused.
By His stripes,
Our spirit is renewed.
So enter in the joy prepared for you.

Happy Birthday boys! Mom loves you very much and can't wait to see you again.

Thinking...

2010-02-16T00:11:00.002-06:00

I thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday
and days before that too

I think of you in silence
I often speak your name

All I have are memories
and your picture in a frame

Your memory is my keepsake
with which I’ll never part

God has you in His keeping
I have you in my heart

Missing our boys!!!

Christmas 2009

2010-01-04T22:28:00.005-06:00

We made it though our second Christmas without Braden and Brody. (as if there was a choice not to?) This year, Cary thought it would be nice to get a wreath and decorate it for the boys. We found an awesome wreath that had red lights which flashed to Christmas tunes! Christmas music has never made me cry until now. As soon as it played, the tears began. I decided to stick with the colors I used last year because I just love the combination (baby blue, red and silver) Christmas Eve was windy, cold and rainy. We had to stick with out tradition and go spend some time at Braden and Brody's marker. We stayed a few minutes but it was too windy and rainy to put the wreath out. Thank goodness Honey and Tina had already decorated some or I would have felt guilty leaving without adding a little Christmas flair to the marker.

I thought I was being tough and held it together for the most part. It still hurts so much knowing the boys should be here and we should be spending the holidays with all of our family including them! Christmas morning was especially hard. I enjoy spoiling all my nieces and nephews and getting them way more than they need. It makes me happy seeing them so excited about all of the presents. It it also like a stab in the heart. I see each of them and all I can think of is how much fun my boys would be having now. Surely as more time slips by it will get easier on us. I just wish I could click my heals and it all be over. I want to see them again and I know I will.

Christmas afternoon we joined my family for lunch.

Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra

You guessed it, Chinese food!!! Cary and I were pooped so we didn't join anyone for the traditional Christmas Day movie.

All in all, it was a nice Christmas. I miss my boys, but I still have a wonderful family who loves us!!!

WOW - Where have I been???

2009-12-13T23:08:00.003-06:00

I just realized I have not posted anything for a while... what's been going on?

OCTOBER
October 3rd was mine & Cary's 11th Anniversary. We were both sick so we didn't do anything!!! It was nice sitting at home, cuddling on the couch with Cary and the wiener dogs (Suzi & Roxi). Halloween - not much fun this year. We had a few kids ring the bell, but nothing compared to the usual crowd. I was a bit disappointed. I really enjoy seeing the kids dressed up!

NOVEMBER
Holidays are coming so my stress level JUMPS up. I always thought the holidays were supposed to be days of relaxation? Nope! Don't get me wrong, I love my family dearly, I just like to relax and be lazy!!! November also seems to kick start my emotions and remind me that Braden and Brody aren't here. I do not forget about them ever, but the holidays seem to intensify my emotions. I know that God has them in his arms! I am selfish and do want them in mine again. We will reunite again one day!!!

DECEMBER
Shopping, shopping and more shopping. Am I done yet??? This stressed me too! I tend to go overboard and buy more than I should for my nephews and nieces. I'd hate to see what I'll do with my own children one day!!! Let the holiday parties begin!

All in all, nothing has really been going on in my life worth writing about. These are just a few things that pop in my mind. I'm praying 2010 will be a great year and I'll have great things to post for the readers!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL!!!

The number you've ALL be waiting for...

2009-10-17T11:38:00.005-05:00

People amaze me! Loni and I had a very successful first Baby Steps Memorial Race! We were able to donate a GRAND TOTAL of $9,000 to The Amelia Center.

That's me on the left, Andy McNiel (from The Amelia Center) and Loni Hodge. What a great team!

The center was VERY happy to receive such a large donation. We could not have done it of course without all of the participants, volunteers, sponsors and donors! You guys know who you are!!! We want to thank everyone for their hard work and kind heart!

Loni and I decided to donate the funds into a Remembrance Funds for Braden, Brody and Maddox Elise. This is something new for The Amelia Center.

Here's what their website says about the new opportunity - "A Remembrance Fund, bearing the name of a family member or friend, can be established to provide annual support to The Amelia Center by making a memorial gift of $500.00 or more. This can be made as an individual memorial donation or a combined memorial donation by you, family members and friends. Once a Remembrance Fund is established, friends and family can make contributions throughout the year to support the fund. The Amelia Center will send annual updates to those supporting the fund regarding opportunities to contribute. At the end of each year, a portion of the Remembrance Fund will be used to support Amelia Center program costs, the remainder of the fund will be sustained to build upon for the next year. Remembrance Funds will be acknowledged in the Tears to Hope newsletter and by letter to family members and friends at your request. In addition, each fund will be recognized on the “We Remember Them…” wall in The Amelia Center lobby."

We chose to set up the Remembrance Funds so that The Amelia Center can use all or part of the race donation before the end of the year. This type of donation allows them to carry over part of the funds into the next year if they wish. I'm very honored that Braden and Brody will have a plaque on the "We Remember Them" wall. I decided it would be best to have Braden & Brody one plaque rather than two. They came into this world together! They drifted from this world together! They belong together!

Baby Steps 5K Memorial - August 29, 2009

2009-10-07T08:57:00.010-05:00

What an awesome day we had on August 29th. It was filled with many emotions. Although the loss of Braden and Brody is not easy, I see purpose each and everyday. If God took my children to benefit others, I'll take this pain. It is his plan, not mine and I have to follow it.

What an awesome day we had on August 29, 2009! My day was filled with emotions. I was very pleased with all of the sponsors, participants and volunteers. The support we received was amazing. I was honored that the loss of my boys and Maddox Elise made all of this happen! There is a purpose... to help all of the grieving families out there, to show them they are not alone on this journey, that they can heal and that we can remember them in our own special ways!

Our hope is to continue the race year after year. With the continued support we can make this happen!!!

Loni and I had the pleasure of being on "Matters of Faith" with Brenda Ladun. She is such an encouraging woman and was inspired by our stories. The picture shown is from the interview day at The Amelia Center. You can also view the segment by going to: http://www.abc3340.com/news/stories/0809/652098.html#

The words of Marvin Gaye "What's going on?"

2009-09-21T20:49:00.005-05:00

I have to admit, as much as I'd love to document my journey, I am HORRIBLE at taking the time to write "What's going on" so here's where I am in this life for today...

The FIRST Baby Steps 5K Memorial Race was so awesome (I'll post more on it later!) I want to keep you curious on how much we raised for The Amelia Center...

I am doing pretty well in my grief. I continue to have good days and bad days. More good than bad so I've made it a long way since April 12, 2008!!! Certain things in life are harder to deal with while others, I just don't think about as much. I've learned to control my emotions by helping and keeping busy. As a grieving mother, I encourage others in my "shoes" to reach out to others. Talking to others and even volunteering for various things is what I've found helpful. It may work for youl, it may not. What we have to do is share our attempts for a happy life and encourage each other!

Get over it???

2009-07-19T22:46:00.001-05:00

I've had some very rough days lately. I should not have to explain myself, but people need to realize that grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that parents will be "finished" or "get over" this type of loss.

I say this because recently I've been told that I need to be the "old Abby" and I cannot understand how people who have NOT been in my situation feel as if they can tell me how I should be. The loss of Braden and Brody was not like a scratch that heals in a few days. It is like a deep wound that will forever scar my life.

As much as it may make others uncomfortable that I lost the boys - I do not think they realize that I am uncomfortable as well. I don't think you can EVER be comfortable with "visiting" your children in the cemetery.

July 4th - Another Holiday Down!

2009-07-05T15:54:00.003-05:00

We survived yet another holiday with family fun. It's upsetting to both Cary and I to see all the kids having such a great time swimming and playing together. Here we are the "sad" couple without kids! We just sit and dream! We want our babies there to share the fun. We wanted them to play with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews! My peace is knowing they are playing in Heaven and it's a BEAUTIFUL place. They don't have to get a sun burn, bitten by mosquitoes or stop playing if they don't want to! Have fun in heaven boys!

Father's Day#2

2009-06-21T20:59:00.003-05:00

Today is Father's Day #2 without Braden & Brody. Cary is such a trooper! He had a father and sons breakfast with his dad this morning and a family lunch with my dad and grandfather. I could tell he was a little down, but he never mentioned it.

I hope that one day we'll have days like this to celebrate with children. I want hand made cards and special gifts from children. They make you smile! We will always remember our heavenly children!!! It would just be nice to experience a life of parenting!

Happy Father's Day to all of the wonder fathers out there. Whether you have children on this earth or in Heaven!!!

Love to Cary, Dad & Dale (father in law)

SAND!!!

2009-06-15T23:57:00.012-05:00

Seeing names written in sand is always cute to me. Loni and Justin just spent a few days at the beach and Loni send me these pictures. What a special way to memember our babies!!! They will forever be in our hearts! Thanks for thinking of all of us Loni!!!!

Missing Pieces

2009-06-07T01:07:00.005-05:00

I live day to day. Each morning, I do not know if it will be one of "those" days or not. My life is all about ups and downs and I've come to terms with the fact that this will never change. The hurt will always be there. It will NEVER leave me. I've recently started going to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. It is a grief counseling center for parents and grandparents who have lost a child and also for children who have lost a loved one. The few times I've been, I've enjoyed it. Not that grief is something that you should enjoy. The fact is, at the center I do not have to hide my tears, be strong , fake a smile or worry about making other people feel uncomfortable that my children died. I can be weak, pissed, sad, cry and acknowledge my boys! You can be who you are!

I am bitter. People really piss me off sometimes. I've had a comment lingering in my brain that makes me want to punch something... Can you believe a pregnant woman had the NERVE to tell me that she wasn't avoiding me. She was just staying away from me because she know's I'm jealous because she's pregnant. I cannot say that I am not jealous. It amazes me how some people kiss and get pregnant. It amazes me that people do not have the heart to not say what they are really thinking. I use caution when I speak and I feel others should as well. These comments are PAINFUL and my life is PAINFUL enough without them. I apologize that my children died and yours did not. That should be my comment but I do not feel like anyone deserves this PAIN. Are people jealous of me because my boys died? Maybe I should avoid people?

Recently I keep finding myself having little moments of tears. They appear out of nowhere. I do not know what causes them. Well, I know why I'm crying, but have no idea what triggers the tears. It could be a song, a road, a smell... It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like a puzzle that is missing pieces. I'm missing Braden and Brody!!!

Business Sponsors Needed!!!!

2009-05-29T22:08:00.002-05:00

Local Business Owners:
Please join us and your fellow local business owners in supporting the Baby Steps Memorial 5K Run/Walk at Tannehill Historical State Park benefiting the Amelia Center on August 29, 2009. All proceeds raised will be donated to the Amelia Center in Birmingham which has served as a place of hope for grieving children, parents and families for the past twelve years. The Amelia Center offers free grief counseling not only to parents and grandparents who have suffered the loss of a child but also to children who have lost loved ones. The center operates by donations and continued support from our community members and it is programs like this that are vital to many people here locally and in our neighboring communities. For more information on the Amelia Center visit http://www.ameliacenter.org/.

We have chosen to support this program as mothers who recently suffered the loss of our children this past year. Abby and Cary Nicholas lost twin boys, Braden and Brody at 22 weeks due to unexplained preterm labor in April 2008. Loni and Justin Hodge lost their daughter, Maddox Elise at 28 weeks due to Triploidy in February 2009. As two grieving mothers, our mission is to provide support to bereavement programs, NICUs and infant/child causes throughout our community. We organize, host and provide fundraising in the community to accomplish our mission to support these important causes.

The 1st Annual Baby Steps Memorial 5K Run/Walk needs sponsorship from local businesses both large and small. We are reaching out asking how each of you can help us to give these families the support they need to cope with their struggles. All business sponsors will be included on advertisement materials as well as race participant shirts.

There are many areas needing sponsorship but some of the biggest needs are:
• Monetary donations for T-shirts, race result equipment (Trak Shak), water/snacks for participants, park fees
• Door Prize items for participants such as any service or items from your business would be great!
• Coupons and promotional items for participant goodie bags
• Race Participant Company Teams are welcome!!!

We would like to thank you in advance for your consideration and support to make the race a success! Please contact us with any questions or to find out more on how to make a donation or become involved.

babysteps5k@yahoo.com

Donations can be made payable to Baby Steps and mailed to:

Baby Steps
PO Box 674
Moody, AL 35004

Sincerely,
Abby Nicholas & Loni Hodge

Donations

2009-05-14T23:44:00.004-05:00

For those of you interested Bunco for Babies has been a HUGE success.

April - We had our first Bunco night. It was so much fun and I enjoyed meeting all the new people! We collected disposable cameras as our "item of the month" which Loni and I took to Trinity Hospital's NICU. They gladly accepted our donations.

May - Our second night was wonderful. Although we had a lot of people who weren't able to make it, we had several new players. Our "item of the month" was small blankets. Loni and I made a trip to STV East Wednesday and donated the blankets, bouncy seat, socks, hand mitts, breastfeeding drape and a womb sound bear. The women in this NICU were VERY excited to receive the donations. They made us feel extremely welcome. Their charge nurse Melanie even shared with us that she too has lost infants. It's amazing how many people have lost infants but are not vocal about it. There are so many of us out there and we have to support each other.

I am so thankful that Bunco for Babies has been such a success. Each month brings a bigger smile to my face and I'm happy to share the memory of Braden and Brody with these special women!!!

Happy Mother's Day - Tina

2009-05-10T21:08:00.002-05:00

This is MY mother-in-law.

Cary's mom is a special woman. She does so much for other people and neglects her own needs! I hope she takes this day and makes it her own!!!

Thanks for everything you do for Cary, me and everyone else! We love you!!!

Mother's Day - Honey

2009-05-10T20:59:00.003-05:00

This is MY mom!

She makes me laugh, cry and act like a fool. What can I say, she brings out the best in me!!!

I love you and am glad you are here for me to spend this special day with!!!

Thanks Big Mama Honey for being there and being the best!!!

P.S. the necklace in the picture is so pretty - I'm sure it cost a lot!

I'm so excited!!!

2009-04-17T19:17:00.002-05:00

I absolutely can't wait for Mother's Day. I know I should be down and sad since I'm a mother and don't have children here on earth. I am so excited about a special gift I have for Braden & Brody's "Honey" and "Nana" Oh, it will be so special. PLEASE don't forget to check back soon for a picture of their special gift. Honey is dying to know, but I'm being good... MUM's the word...

Silent Footprints

2009-04-15T21:38:00.003-05:00

Silent Footprints

We never had the chance to play,

to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you,

touch you now And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.

He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child we never had.

But now you're gone... but yet you're here.

We'll sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong

We'll forget you never.

The child we had, but never had, And yet will have forever.
(c) Christie Michael All Rights Reserved

I love you boys!!!!

I will never forget...

2009-04-12T22:09:00.009-05:00

Today is the day. April 12, 2009. The day I've worried about since Braden & Brody's arrival. It has been one year today since their birth. This year has gone by so fast. We've struggled. We've laughed. We've cried. We've been pissed. You name the emotion, I've had it all year!

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN...

how mad I was at myself for working all day in pain and being stubborn and not calling the doctor...

how guilty I felt for not going to the doctor when Cary told me to...

that awful feeling when I realized, I was having my babies and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it...

that long car ride to St. Vincent's. The rain, the phone call telling the doctor I thing I'm in labor they gush, my water just broke...

the angel in the lobby of the hospital that directed Cary where to go to get a labor and delivery nurse. Why a little only lady was sitting in a chair in the lobby by herself at St. Vincent's at midnight on a Friday Night still shocks me. Why she was gone when Cary came back down with a nurse shocks me. An ANGEL indeed!

the fear I had and the fear on Cary's face when the nurse told be "you're having your babies" knowing it was too early and they wouldn't make it...

the uncontrollable feeling of delivering Braden as we pulled into the hospital...

showing all my "goods" to the parking lot at the hospital while I delivered Brody right there before I could even get out of my car...

the elevator ride up to the hospital. Shaking and trembling from shock...

the boys waiting until after "Honey's" birthday to make their grand arrival...

the wonderful night nurse who was so kind and caring...

seeing both boys brought in to us, cleaned up and beautiful...

Braden's sweet toes that are identical to his dad's toes! The big one that isn't the big one...

Brody's sweet little body, his tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny nose...

20 fingers... 20 toes...

holding them for the first time...

the awful morning nurse who left us out in the hallway with all the "happy" bows on the doors for all the baby boys and girls while the were bring the boys to the bereavment room...

holding Braden & Brody for the last time...

Today is a celebration. A celebration of the memory of Braden and Brody Nicholas! Although, I don't have the opportunity to celebrate 1st Birthdays like most parents, I feel this is a special day. It's the day, one year ago that we met our angels!!!
Even if we never have more children, we're parent's and will always love Braden and Brody.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Boys! Celebrate with Jesus, Maddie, Grandmaw, Mema & Paw Paw. Keep watching over me and your daddy! Keep us strong! I love you!

A bad week that isn't so bad!!!

2009-04-07T23:56:00.009-05:00

As Braden and Brody's birthday creeps up on us, I expect this to be a bad week. Easter is their Birthday!

Although the week isn't over, tonight I was HAPPY!!! Loni and I started a Bunco for Babies group and we had our first game tonight. We had 16 people and raised $160 and had 26 disposable cameras donated. It was a success and I really enjoyed myself! All that worrying for nothing! Everyone seemed to have a blast and I thank God for allowing us to do this in memory of our children.

What a Happy Birthday to my baby boys!

Here's our 1st Bunco group. Thank you ALL for making this such a great success!!!

Anyone can help!

2009-03-15T02:38:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, in April 2008 Cary and I lost our Twin Boys (Braden and Brody) at 22 weeks due to preterm labor. Recently I have become close friends with Loni Hodge. February 2009, Loni and Justin lost their baby girl (Maddie.) You can see Loni's blog at http://maddoxelisehodge.blogspot.com/ We are able to help each other with our struggles of our loss.

We both want to give back, to hospitals that treat babies, but also to the hospitals that delivered our sweet babies. So we've been contemplating ideas to raise money and we've found a couple of good ones...

Our first idea is to organize a 5k or 8k race to benefit Children's hospital NICU - that's is being planned and we will send out more info on that as it becomes available!! Just be ready for it in the fall (2009)...it should be a great day!!! We will need lots of support so we can make this an annual event in memory of our children. Any BIG sponsors out there???

We're also trying to get a Bunco group together. We’re going to call it “Bunco for Babies.” If you’ve never played, it’s a lot of fun (I promise.) Bunco is a dice game that you play tables of 4. We need at least 12 people for the game, but can always play with more. So, think about it. It’s an easy, fun game and you can come and enjoy food and time with friends and meet new friends as well! The main thing is you will be helping us “heal” and do something for these hospitals that are in need.

The idea for now is, to play – you will bring $10 which ½ will go towards the hospitals and the other ½ will go in a pot for the “winners.” You will also bring a cheap item that Loni and I will take to the NICU at Children’s for the tiny babies which need things that aren’t always provided. The items may include small blankets, socks, diapers and disposable cameras for the parents who may not have thought to bring theirs from home. The cameras are a great idea because some parents (like us) will only be able to take home photos of their children. It’s important to us to give what we can. (Think of it as a tax deduction for next year!)

We were hoping to get at LEAST 12 people to commit to playing with us maybe once a month. The more players the more we will be able to give to the hospitals and families in need so please feel free to pass the invite to ANYONE in the area. We also thought about having a BIG BUNCO BLOWOUT and play with other groups around the area! (If you're already involved with a bunco group think about your group joining us for the big nights if you can!!!)

Let me know if you'd be interested so that way I can get you more information as we plan more. (you may see information emails come from bunco4babies@yahoo.com - that's me and Loni)

Thanks for being there for us! Hope to hear from you soon! Abby

Today

2009-02-18T20:51:00.003-06:00

Time goes by so quickly but yet, seems to be slow. I'm still in a struggle with Braden and Brody's birth. I'm great one day and sad the next. Work has had me busy so I haven't had much time to think.

Today, I feel their birthday getting closer and wonder how I will handle it. I just realized April 12th is Easter this year. This will be a very difficult day for me and my family. I am still trying to come up with something special to do in remembrance of the twins on their birthday. I'd thought about having a picnic at their grave, releasing balloons with messages to them in it, there are different things to do. I want it to be special and make it a tradition.

Hopefully I'll come up with something good that will not make the day as difficult.

It's been a while...

2009-01-31T20:07:00.003-06:00

It's seems a lot has gone on since my last post. I'm not a faithful blogger...

1) Christmas
2) New Years 2009
3) 3 OH!

CHRISTMAS EVE - Cary and I decided to go to Braden and Brody's grave and put up a small Christmas tree. While we were there, we decorated the tree with battery operated lights, garland and ornaments. It was nice for the two of us to have this time together. We feel so helpless and it's the least we can do to honor our children. We are going to plant the tree in our yard as a memorial to the boys. This will be our tradition every Christmas Eve. I'll try to post a picture of our little tree later.

CHRISTMAS - It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. Let me just say it was hard this year, but once again I put on my fake smile for everyone. I love watching all of the kids open presents - it makes me happy. At the same time my heart aches because my children aren't here! We found out Christmas Day that Brad & Christine (brother in law & his wife) are expecting their second child. Not something I was prepared for so I didn't react as well as I should have. I don't think I had any emotions at all. It was a shocker, but I'm happy for them. They are really great parents!!!

NEW YEARS EVE 2009- Cary and I aren't party animals. We were in bed by 9 I think? REAL EXCITEMENT I know!

JANUARY 5TH 2009 - I hit a milestone and turned 30. This is not a number I thought I'd be at yet. While I'm glad I had another birthday I also feel I'm much older than last year. Let's just hope I don't start getting gray hair anytime soon.

Time seems to be ticking away...

You look great!!!

2008-12-17T23:00:00.004-06:00

Why do people feel the need to tell you that you look great. Does this mean you've looked like hell for so long? They didn't expect you to look "normal?"

PLEASE!!! Take my advise and don't be that person! People who have been thru something horrific live it everyday and do what they can to "look great" for others. Remember that the inside, it's not so great for us!

Twilight 11/21/08

2008-11-22T17:16:00.003-06:00

Twilight was fun. It was a little funny because Edward (I heart him) was comical and you could hear the teenagers girl giggle. Why weren't they in school? I have no idea. I guess this was a special occasion.

All in all the movie was good. Jacob was a little disappointing - I didn't picture him to look like that. I liked Charlie. Alice was cute. The make-up reminded me a little of Edward Scissorhands. It stinks having to wait on the others to come out.

Some excitement - FINALLY!

2008-11-20T21:57:00.003-06:00

I'm counting the hours down...

Twilight comes out in a few hours. Me and mom are going to see it tomorrow at 1. I'm leaving work early so I won't be stuck with the teenagers texting and talking on their cell phones the entire movie. If you are a Twilight fan, you may or may not know what this cake is about to the left. I made it for a friend of mine's daughter. She's into graphic design and she "jazzed" up this picture of the Paramore singer. FYI - they are a band on the soundtrack for Twilight so I thought this went perfect with my post.

How do I do it?

2008-11-05T21:21:00.004-06:00

Honestly this day (April 15, 2008) is all a blur, but I can't explain how a hug like this makes you feel. Many, many days have passed since the boys funeral. I can't tell you how many times Cary's wrapped his arms around me like this to comfort me. This is how I make it each day.

And at night? a little Lunesta doesn't hurt! (thanks butterfly)

It's so simple?

2008-11-04T20:50:00.004-06:00

It's been about a month since we found out our IVF transfer didn't take. Since then, we went to see the doc for our follow up visit. Just as I expected: he let us know the test was negative (like we don't remember that every day!), gave no answers (which I guess by this point I shouldn't expect any), and told us we could try with the frozen embryos whenever we wanted (forget the fact that we forked out thousands since last NOVEMBER and are so emotionally drained from it all) That simple.

It's very hard knowing when to try again. There is that constant fear.

Halloween was a bit strange. I love seeing all the kids dressed up in their costumes. I did not particularly enjoy being invited to churches for "trunk-or-treat." Not that I am against churches or anything like that. I just do not think people take into consideration how things like that effect the "non-parents" population. I'd love to go, I just want my own child there!!!

Test Day - October 1, 2008

2008-10-01T19:10:00.002-05:00

Well, after waiting on the phone call ALL DAY - the pregnancy test from our "fresh" embryo came back as negative. I was sure it took since the doctor sold us on the fact we only needed to transfer one embryo since it was top grade. I knew I should have listened to my gut and gone with two. The bright side, if there is one, is that we still have the 5 frozen embryos to try again and I won't have to go thru the stomach shots. We will go back to the doctor in a few weeks for a follow-up visit. I assume he will remind us that it was negative and demand more money to try again...

Of course we are upset, but we will try again. I have faith things will turn out great - I just hope it's before I'm 40!

Embryo Transfer Monday, September 22, 2008

2008-09-28T21:04:00.004-05:00

Monday, September 22, 2008 we had our embryo transfer. The morning started off with breakfast at Krystals with Cary. We then went to acupuncture for my "relaxation" time. Then off to ART. We made the decision to transfer two embryos but when we got the ART the doctor said that our embryos were top grade and they recommended we only transfer one. So, we decided to follow what they suggested and transferred the top embryo. I felt comfortable with this decision especially since we had embryos to freeze this round of IVF. After the transfer, we went back to acupuncture for my "post transfer affirmation." Let me just tell you, it's hard to relax when you can't stop giggling because some lady is telling you to "feel the energy flow from your hands to your uterus" and "picture the embryo that was transferred, it's floating in your uterus looking for the perfect spot." After that, we went and ate lunch at my favorite place Joel's and then went home. I relaxed on the couch the rest of the afternoon.

We ended up with one transferred and 5 frozen embryos!

We got very lucky!

This is where babies come from

2008-09-22T16:14:00.002-05:00

In my world, this is where babies come from. Needles, big nasty bruises, acupuncture, a little of this and a little of that!

I meant to post this earlier but time got away from me. The shots all went well. My one little ovary worked VERY hard for us! With 20-25 follicles the doctor was able to retrieve 19 eggs on Wednesday (9/17.) Yes, from one ovary!

Thursday - Saturday 14 eggs had fertilized and divided. VERY GOOD NEWS!!!

ROUND TWO

2008-08-27T21:02:00.003-05:00

Our journey begins once again. We had an appointment with the fertility office. This time things seem to be moving so fast. We went to get our IVF calendar on Monday 8/25 and they told me to start injections MONDAY night. A little problem. They should be more considerate and think about the situation, you bring me in, tell me to start meds the same day. Um, I don't have them!!!! Just an FYI - you can't just run and grab fertility medicine from Wal-mart. They come from a specialty pharmacy. As if the whole thing isn't frustrating and emotional enough for us, they also informed us that our payment must be made in full next Wednesday 9/3 (Happy Birthday Cary) IVF isn't cheap, thankfully insurance covered half of the first round, but we aren't so lucky this time. Things will work out I know! I'm just so frustrated and pissed off. It kills me knowing how hard we've tried for the past 8 years to have kids, then we get so excited when we were expecting the boys to have our hearts shattered at 22weeks when they were born. It's so unfair. Some people it just happens to so quickly, we are NOT those people. It's hard, but I can't get too angry at the irresponsible people in this world who get pregnant looking at someone and then don't want their babies or let other people raise their babies. I may need a Juno one day!

I'm way behind!!!

2008-08-27T20:38:00.002-05:00

We got the boys marker in and it is beautiful!!! All that worrying for nothing.

Everyday is still hard. Somehow we manage.

Still Waiting

2008-07-10T20:26:00.005-05:00

Well, it's almost been 3 months since the boys were born. Some days are good and some are bad. I still haven't been able to wear make-up for fear of having mascara streaks if the tears fall.
Lately we've been waiting on the boys' grave marker to come. I think once it is here it might make things a little easier. Right now it's just really hard going to spend a few minutes here and there looking at a dead patch of grass the wonderful cemetery doesn't care about. It's amazing the expense of the lots and they do not even take good care of the yards. I guess you only think about it when it's all you have.

The place we ordered the marker from says it should come in next Friday and they will set it sometime between the 18th and 23rd. I can't wait to see it. We had a bronze casting of the footprints done that will be on it.

We will see.

I will survive!

2008-05-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

Somehow each day brings on more strength to make it. It's been very hard at times, but with the love of family and friends we have the comfort we need. Each one is dear to my heart and we wouldn't make it without them!

Our babies are in Heaven

2008-04-22T10:17:00.004-05:00

On Saturday, April 12, 2008 I delivered our twin boys.

Please meet Baby A (Braden Lee Nicholas) and Baby B (Brody Lee Nicholas

Braden was delivered first at 15 1/2 ounces , 11 inches

Brody was delivered a few minutes later at 13 ounces, 10 inches

They were born at almost 22 weeks. It is so amazing the love you have for children you never got to know. God blessed us by allowing us the opportunity to see each of our twins and allow us to hold them. From their cute little nose to the tips of their toes, each one was perfect! I will never forget it!

These precious gifts we had are now in Heaven and we along with our wonderful families will see them and hold them again one day!

Thank you to everyone for all the support for both Cary and myself. We couldn't have made it without you!

Boys - March 26th

2008-04-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

I've been a little behind on my updates but we went to the doctor on the 26th and we are having boys! It's much easier now knowing what these little ones are so we can pick out things for the nursery and NAMES!!!

So what will they be???

2008-03-22T20:10:00.000-05:00

As you can see - baby A is photogenic while baby B is shy. We had an ultrasound our last visit and poor B was getting kicked in the head. B just took it face down and wouldn't move so this is the best shot they could get of him/her. Which brings me to...

We have our next appointment March 26th. This appointment will reveal the sex of the twins.

It's so hard not knowing what they are yet. I feel the need to pick a name now, things for the nursery now and little clothes and such. It makes it so hard, but we've waited this long so we'll make it.

It's funny people assume you want a boy and a girl. That would be "just perfect" and we'd be "finished" according to everyone. Is this the American dream? Can't they understand I am thankful for whatever I have. I mean considering what we've had to go through to get this little ones and others seem to spread 'em and get knocked up - I can't be picky!!! I will be happy with whichever we have. And they are identical so it couldn't be a boy and a girl anyway... THINK

16 weeks and still puking!!!

2008-03-08T17:15:00.000-06:00

I'm 16 weeks pregnant now. What an amazing time this has been. The puking, hearing heartbeats, seeing them move around and even feeling them moving now... I've just now started getting a belly. I'd like to think I'm out of the "Is she fat or pregnant?" stage, but people think what they want!!!

Our next appointment on March 26th will reveal BOYS OR GIRLS??? I can't wait!

Feb 20th 2008

2008-03-08T17:10:00.000-06:00

These two little ones are sucking the life out of this very excited mama. It will all be worth it I know.
As of today (Feb 20th), I am 14 weeks pregnant. It's been rough. I've lost 15 lbs and haven't gained any of it back. I'm sure my time will come so I shouldn't complain now. I've puked pretty much everyday since I can remember. Puking cheese-it's in the shower isn't pretty!!! Everyone says "it will end soon" but I think they are all liars!

We've gotten so used to seeing the babies each week. Their growth is amazing. It's sad, no more weekly ultrasounds, but it is a great feeling to go to my regular OB doctor rather than the fertility clinic. It's just not the same, but it is a huge step meaning everything is "normal" at this point.

Jan 5th 2008

2008-03-08T17:04:00.000-06:00

Since the pregnancy test, we've gone to the doctor every week. Each week, they take blood to test hormone levels and do an ultrasound to make sure everything is taking as it should. Each week we go brings more and more news and hopes! We found out two weeks ago that we are having twins. We knew it was a possibility since Dr. Allemand implanted two eggs. We really didn't think it would be a reality. In fact, only one of the eggs that were implanted took. Out of that one, it split so we will have identical twins. Two peas in a pod!

The attached picture is of baby A and B at 12 weeks.

Pregnancy Test - December 11th

2008-03-08T16:55:00.000-06:00

For the first time in my life, I was excited to have my blood taken. This could mean a whole life change for us.

Cary and I met for lunch today to await that one phone call we've been waiting for. The nurse called and my heart started racing. I knew I had to answer, but at the same time I was afraid of the results. We were so nervous to hear what she had to say. WE HAVE A POSITIVE PREGNANCY!!!

It's so amazing to me especially all that we've been through. God has truely blessed us so far.
I am, as of today, 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I haven't have any symptoms (that I'm aware of) yet, but I'm sure the time will come.

How are you feeling?

2007-12-10T21:27:00.000-06:00

This is the daily question. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it every bit! It's so nice how concerned people can be.

I've felt pretty good so far since the embryo transfer. I go for my pregnancy test on Tuesday, December 11th. This has to have been the slowest week!!!

I've gotten a little sick after eating a few times and have had some major hot flashes. All in all, I've felt fine though.

All we can do is keep our fingers crossed and pray this works!

Embryo Transfer

2007-12-10T21:22:00.001-06:00

The moment we've been waiting for... the transfer.

On Sunday, December 2nd we had the embryo transfer. It was such an exciting and emotional day.

I had acupuncture twice on this day. Before the transfer and after.

My doctor performed the transfer and everything went great!

What a moment to be thankful for. We've made it so far.

This picture is of our two little jewels that were transferred on this day!

I'm sad to say, the other two embryos we were going to freeze for later did not make it to they cryopreservation stage.

Egg Retrieval

2007-12-10T21:17:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, November 27th, they retrieved 8 eggs! This is an awesome number for me. The doctor's office called with daily updates on the eggs after they'd done ICSI (injecting sperm into the egg)

On day 2, we had a total of 4 fertilized eggs.

Acupuncture and shots worked great!!!

I've been shot way too many times!!!

2007-12-10T21:07:00.000-06:00

Time has past but I should document my shot experience. Everything is falling into place. I began taking my stim injections to stimulate my ovary (yes, one) to produce eggs for the IVF. Let me just say, these injections were VERY painful and if it weren't for the outcome of the whole thing I would have stopped. Rather than mix my medicines as they suggest to cut down on the shots I had to do them separately because they stung so bad as I mixed them together. Taking the stim meds and Lupron - I'd have a total of 2 FULL insulin syringes of Follistim and another full syringe of Menapure, and just a tiny bit of Lupron. All in all I'd stick myself several times changing the stomach are to inject all the medicine in.

What a pain!!!

Latest Appointment

2007-11-14T21:26:00.000-06:00

I had an appointment today at the fertility doc's office. This is a followup visit to make sure the shots are doing what they are supposed to. Good news! They are.

Sunday, I'll start my Stim meds. I will not have 3 medicines to inject into my stomach. Lupron, Menapure and Follistim. Hopefully this coctail won't make me crazy.

I'll go back to the doc on Black Friday to check to make sure I'm on track. If all goes well, eggs will come out on the 28th or 29th.

I'm Stuck on You

2007-11-10T00:38:00.000-06:00

Don't you love getting shots. Try giving them to yourself. It's nice.

I've almost made it a full week taking Lupron. My first round of injections. For starters, I must say it is hard to stick a needle in your stomach. I don't care how little it may be, the fact is, there's a NEEDLE going into my skin and I don't appreciate it. My husband tells me to just look away and stick myself, but I'd rather not stab my hand in the process then have to try again. I just take a breath and ohhhhhhh. But it doesn't hurt. It's just the idea I'm doing it. Well, many more to come.

So far, it hasn't been to bad but today I was feeling the emotions. This morning on my long journey from the parking deck to the building at work I began sweating like a pig. I felt the tiny beads forming above my lips, my back, my chest, my pits... Keep in mind it's winter time. Luckily for me, this continued throughout the day. On my way home from work I sobbed when I saw this sad lab that had been hit on the side of the road. He was looking right at me! I swear his eyes were open and all I could see was my two little wieners! I'd die if something happened to them. Then I thought about the poor owners of this dog. They probably have no idea. Well, they are probably idiots because their dog should not have been on a busy road or outside in the freezing cold for that matter. This sobbing went on for several minutes. Then I began to realize, I was sad the dog got hit, but there isn't anything I can do and my dogs are perfectly fine inside (probably under a blanket somewhere)

Who knows what tomorrow will be like. Lupron 10

My first blog!

2007-11-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

ok, here it goes. My first blog. Should I get the camera?

ummm, I speachless. I have two cakes in the oven at the moment. I'm sitting here in my fleece pj's a sweatshirt. I'm trying to figure out what the heck to do on this site. I'll get the hang of it before long.

The purpose of my blogs will be to entertain my mother's need for a journal in my life during IVF. Cary and I have been wanting kids for a while now. It just seems nothing is working for us. This month I began my IVF cycle. Next month, they will implant a few kids in my belly! Hopefully one day I will look back at this point in my life and laugh. Right now, I'm just trying to live it day by day.

More to come, this is my first blog so I don't want to get too detailed yet.

Stay tuned for a post about injections!