I'm so excited!!!

I absolutely can't wait for Mother's Day. I know I should be down and sad since I'm a mother and don't have children here on earth. I am so excited about a special gift I have for Braden & Brody's "Honey" and "Nana" Oh, it will be so special. PLEASE don't forget to check back soon for a picture of their special gift. Honey is dying to know, but I'm being good... MUM's the word...

Silent Footprints

Silent Footprints

We never had the chance to play,

to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you,

touch you now And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.

He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child we never had.

But now you're gone... but yet you're here.

We'll sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong

We'll forget you never.

The child we had, but never had, And yet will have forever.
(c) Christie Michael All Rights Reserved

I love you boys!!!!

I will never forget...

Today is the day. April 12, 2009. The day I've worried about since Braden & Brody's arrival. It has been one year today since their birth. This year has gone by so fast. We've struggled. We've laughed. We've cried. We've been pissed. You name the emotion, I've had it all year!

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN...

how mad I was at myself for working all day in pain and being stubborn and not calling the doctor...

how guilty I felt for not going to the doctor when Cary told me to...

that awful feeling when I realized, I was having my babies and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it...

that long car ride to St. Vincent's. The rain, the phone call telling the doctor I thing I'm in labor they gush, my water just broke...

the angel in the lobby of the hospital that directed Cary where to go to get a labor and delivery nurse. Why a little only lady was sitting in a chair in the lobby by herself at St. Vincent's at midnight on a Friday Night still shocks me. Why she was gone when Cary came back down with a nurse shocks me. An ANGEL indeed!

the fear I had and the fear on Cary's face when the nurse told be "you're having your babies" knowing it was too early and they wouldn't make it...

the uncontrollable feeling of delivering Braden as we pulled into the hospital...

showing all my "goods" to the parking lot at the hospital while I delivered Brody right there before I could even get out of my car...

the elevator ride up to the hospital. Shaking and trembling from shock...

the boys waiting until after "Honey's" birthday to make their grand arrival...

the wonderful night nurse who was so kind and caring...

seeing both boys brought in to us, cleaned up and beautiful...

Braden's sweet toes that are identical to his dad's toes! The big one that isn't the big one...

Brody's sweet little body, his tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny nose...

20 fingers... 20 toes...

holding them for the first time...

the awful morning nurse who left us out in the hallway with all the "happy" bows on the doors for all the baby boys and girls while the were bring the boys to the bereavment room...

holding Braden & Brody for the last time...

Today is a celebration. A celebration of the memory of Braden and Brody Nicholas! Although, I don't have the opportunity to celebrate 1st Birthdays like most parents, I feel this is a special day. It's the day, one year ago that we met our angels!!!
Even if we never have more children, we're parent's and will always love Braden and Brody.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Boys! Celebrate with Jesus, Maddie, Grandmaw, Mema & Paw Paw. Keep watching over me and your daddy! Keep us strong! I love you!

A bad week that isn't so bad!!!

As Braden and Brody's birthday creeps up on us, I expect this to be a bad week. Easter is their Birthday!

Although the week isn't over, tonight I was HAPPY!!! Loni and I started a Bunco for Babies group and we had our first game tonight. We had 16 people and raised $160 and had 26 disposable cameras donated. It was a success and I really enjoyed myself! All that worrying for nothing! Everyone seemed to have a blast and I thank God for allowing us to do this in memory of our children.

What a Happy Birthday to my baby boys!

Here's our 1st Bunco group. Thank you ALL for making this such a great success!!!

Anyone can help!

As most of you know, in April 2008 Cary and I lost our Twin Boys (Braden and Brody) at 22 weeks due to preterm labor. Recently I have become close friends with Loni Hodge. February 2009, Loni and Justin lost their baby girl (Maddie.) You can see Loni's blog at http://maddoxelisehodge.blogspot.com/ We are able to help each other with our struggles of our loss.

We both want to give back, to hospitals that treat babies, but also to the hospitals that delivered our sweet babies. So we've been contemplating ideas to raise money and we've found a couple of good ones...

Our first idea is to organize a 5k or 8k race to benefit Children's hospital NICU - that's is being planned and we will send out more info on that as it becomes available!! Just be ready for it in the fall (2009)...it should be a great day!!! We will need lots of support so we can make this an annual event in memory of our children. Any BIG sponsors out there???

We're also trying to get a Bunco group together. We’re going to call it “Bunco for Babies.” If you’ve never played, it’s a lot of fun (I promise.) Bunco is a dice game that you play tables of 4. We need at least 12 people for the game, but can always play with more. So, think about it. It’s an easy, fun game and you can come and enjoy food and time with friends and meet new friends as well! The main thing is you will be helping us “heal” and do something for these hospitals that are in need.

The idea for now is, to play – you will bring $10 which ½ will go towards the hospitals and the other ½ will go in a pot for the “winners.” You will also bring a cheap item that Loni and I will take to the NICU at Children’s for the tiny babies which need things that aren’t always provided. The items may include small blankets, socks, diapers and disposable cameras for the parents who may not have thought to bring theirs from home. The cameras are a great idea because some parents (like us) will only be able to take home photos of their children. It’s important to us to give what we can. (Think of it as a tax deduction for next year!)

We were hoping to get at LEAST 12 people to commit to playing with us maybe once a month. The more players the more we will be able to give to the hospitals and families in need so please feel free to pass the invite to ANYONE in the area. We also thought about having a BIG BUNCO BLOWOUT and play with other groups around the area! (If you're already involved with a bunco group think about your group joining us for the big nights if you can!!!)

Let me know if you'd be interested so that way I can get you more information as we plan more. (you may see information emails come from bunco4babies@yahoo.com - that's me and Loni)

Thanks for being there for us! Hope to hear from you soon! Abby

Today

Time goes by so quickly but yet, seems to be slow. I'm still in a struggle with Braden and Brody's birth. I'm great one day and sad the next. Work has had me busy so I haven't had much time to think.

Today, I feel their birthday getting closer and wonder how I will handle it. I just realized April 12th is Easter this year. This will be a very difficult day for me and my family. I am still trying to come up with something special to do in remembrance of the twins on their birthday. I'd thought about having a picnic at their grave, releasing balloons with messages to them in it, there are different things to do. I want it to be special and make it a tradition.

Hopefully I'll come up with something good that will not make the day as difficult.

It's been a while...

It's seems a lot has gone on since my last post. I'm not a faithful blogger...

1) Christmas
2) New Years 2009
3) 3 OH!

CHRISTMAS EVE - Cary and I decided to go to Braden and Brody's grave and put up a small Christmas tree. While we were there, we decorated the tree with battery operated lights, garland and ornaments. It was nice for the two of us to have this time together. We feel so helpless and it's the least we can do to honor our children. We are going to plant the tree in our yard as a memorial to the boys. This will be our tradition every Christmas Eve. I'll try to post a picture of our little tree later.

CHRISTMAS - It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. Let me just say it was hard this year, but once again I put on my fake smile for everyone. I love watching all of the kids open presents - it makes me happy. At the same time my heart aches because my children aren't here! We found out Christmas Day that Brad & Christine (brother in law & his wife) are expecting their second child. Not something I was prepared for so I didn't react as well as I should have. I don't think I had any emotions at all. It was a shocker, but I'm happy for them. They are really great parents!!!

NEW YEARS EVE 2009- Cary and I aren't party animals. We were in bed by 9 I think? REAL EXCITEMENT I know!

JANUARY 5TH 2009 - I hit a milestone and turned 30. This is not a number I thought I'd be at yet. While I'm glad I had another birthday I also feel I'm much older than last year. Let's just hope I don't start getting gray hair anytime soon.

Time seems to be ticking away...