Christmas 2009

We made it though our second Christmas without Braden and Brody. (as if there was a choice not to?) This year, Cary thought it would be nice to get a wreath and decorate it for the boys. We found an awesome wreath that had red lights which flashed to Christmas tunes! Christmas music has never made me cry until now. As soon as it played, the tears began. I decided to stick with the colors I used last year because I just love the combination (baby blue, red and silver) Christmas Eve was windy, cold and rainy. We had to stick with out tradition and go spend some time at Braden and Brody's marker. We stayed a few minutes but it was too windy and rainy to put the wreath out. Thank goodness Honey and Tina had already decorated some or I would have felt guilty leaving without adding a little Christmas flair to the marker.

I thought I was being tough and held it together for the most part. It still hurts so much knowing the boys should be here and we should be spending the holidays with all of our family including them! Christmas morning was especially hard. I enjoy spoiling all my nieces and nephews and getting them way more than they need. It makes me happy seeing them so excited about all of the presents. It it also like a stab in the heart. I see each of them and all I can think of is how much fun my boys would be having now. Surely as more time slips by it will get easier on us. I just wish I could click my heals and it all be over. I want to see them again and I know I will.

Christmas afternoon we joined my family for lunch.

Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra

You guessed it, Chinese food!!! Cary and I were pooped so we didn't join anyone for the traditional Christmas Day movie.

All in all, it was a nice Christmas. I miss my boys, but I still have a wonderful family who loves us!!!

The number you've ALL be waiting for...

People amaze me! Loni and I had a very successful first Baby Steps Memorial Race! We were able to donate a GRAND TOTAL of $9,000 to The Amelia Center.

That's me on the left, Andy McNiel (from The Amelia Center) and Loni Hodge. What a great team!

The center was VERY happy to receive such a large donation. We could not have done it of course without all of the participants, volunteers, sponsors and donors! You guys know who you are!!! We want to thank everyone for their hard work and kind heart!

Loni and I decided to donate the funds into a Remembrance Funds for Braden, Brody and Maddox Elise. This is something new for The Amelia Center.

Here's what their website says about the new opportunity - "A Remembrance Fund, bearing the name of a family member or friend, can be established to provide annual support to The Amelia Center by making a memorial gift of $500.00 or more. This can be made as an individual memorial donation or a combined memorial donation by you, family members and friends. Once a Remembrance Fund is established, friends and family can make contributions throughout the year to support the fund. The Amelia Center will send annual updates to those supporting the fund regarding opportunities to contribute. At the end of each year, a portion of the Remembrance Fund will be used to support Amelia Center program costs, the remainder of the fund will be sustained to build upon for the next year. Remembrance Funds will be acknowledged in the Tears to Hope newsletter and by letter to family members and friends at your request. In addition, each fund will be recognized on the “We Remember Them…” wall in The Amelia Center lobby."

We chose to set up the Remembrance Funds so that The Amelia Center can use all or part of the race donation before the end of the year. This type of donation allows them to carry over part of the funds into the next year if they wish. I'm very honored that Braden and Brody will have a plaque on the "We Remember Them" wall. I decided it would be best to have Braden & Brody one plaque rather than two. They came into this world together! They drifted from this world together! They belong together!

Baby Steps 5K Memorial - August 29, 2009

What an awesome day we had on August 29th. It was filled with many emotions. Although the loss of Braden and Brody is not easy, I see purpose each and everyday. If God took my children to benefit others, I'll take this pain. It is his plan, not mine and I have to follow it.

What an awesome day we had on August 29, 2009! My day was filled with emotions. I was very pleased with all of the sponsors, participants and volunteers. The support we received was amazing. I was honored that the loss of my boys and Maddox Elise made all of this happen! There is a purpose... to help all of the grieving families out there, to show them they are not alone on this journey, that they can heal and that we can remember them in our own special ways!

Our hope is to continue the race year after year. With the continued support we can make this happen!!!

Loni and I had the pleasure of being on "Matters of Faith" with Brenda Ladun. She is such an encouraging woman and was inspired by our stories. The picture shown is from the interview day at The Amelia Center. You can also view the segment by going to: http://www.abc3340.com/news/stories/0809/652098.html#

Get over it???

I've had some very rough days lately. I should not have to explain myself, but people need to realize that grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that parents will be "finished" or "get over" this type of loss.

I say this because recently I've been told that I need to be the "old Abby" and I cannot understand how people who have NOT been in my situation feel as if they can tell me how I should be. The loss of Braden and Brody was not like a scratch that heals in a few days. It is like a deep wound that will forever scar my life.

As much as it may make others uncomfortable that I lost the boys - I do not think they realize that I am uncomfortable as well. I don't think you can EVER be comfortable with "visiting" your children in the cemetery.

Missing Pieces

I live day to day. Each morning, I do not know if it will be one of "those" days or not. My life is all about ups and downs and I've come to terms with the fact that this will never change. The hurt will always be there. It will NEVER leave me. I've recently started going to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. It is a grief counseling center for parents and grandparents who have lost a child and also for children who have lost a loved one. The few times I've been, I've enjoyed it. Not that grief is something that you should enjoy. The fact is, at the center I do not have to hide my tears, be strong , fake a smile or worry about making other people feel uncomfortable that my children died. I can be weak, pissed, sad, cry and acknowledge my boys! You can be who you are!

I am bitter. People really piss me off sometimes. I've had a comment lingering in my brain that makes me want to punch something... Can you believe a pregnant woman had the NERVE to tell me that she wasn't avoiding me. She was just staying away from me because she know's I'm jealous because she's pregnant. I cannot say that I am not jealous. It amazes me how some people kiss and get pregnant. It amazes me that people do not have the heart to not say what they are really thinking. I use caution when I speak and I feel others should as well. These comments are PAINFUL and my life is PAINFUL enough without them. I apologize that my children died and yours did not. That should be my comment but I do not feel like anyone deserves this PAIN. Are people jealous of me because my boys died? Maybe I should avoid people?

Recently I keep finding myself having little moments of tears. They appear out of nowhere. I do not know what causes them. Well, I know why I'm crying, but have no idea what triggers the tears. It could be a song, a road, a smell... It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like a puzzle that is missing pieces. I'm missing Braden and Brody!!!