Baby Steps 5K Memorial - August 29, 2009

What an awesome day we had on August 29th. It was filled with many emotions. Although the loss of Braden and Brody is not easy, I see purpose each and everyday. If God took my children to benefit others, I'll take this pain. It is his plan, not mine and I have to follow it.

What an awesome day we had on August 29, 2009! My day was filled with emotions. I was very pleased with all of the sponsors, participants and volunteers. The support we received was amazing. I was honored that the loss of my boys and Maddox Elise made all of this happen! There is a purpose... to help all of the grieving families out there, to show them they are not alone on this journey, that they can heal and that we can remember them in our own special ways!

Our hope is to continue the race year after year. With the continued support we can make this happen!!!

Loni and I had the pleasure of being on "Matters of Faith" with Brenda Ladun. She is such an encouraging woman and was inspired by our stories. The picture shown is from the interview day at The Amelia Center. You can also view the segment by going to: http://www.abc3340.com/news/stories/0809/652098.html#

The words of Marvin Gaye "What's going on?"

I have to admit, as much as I'd love to document my journey, I am HORRIBLE at taking the time to write "What's going on" so here's where I am in this life for today...

The FIRST Baby Steps 5K Memorial Race was so awesome (I'll post more on it later!) I want to keep you curious on how much we raised for The Amelia Center...

I am doing pretty well in my grief. I continue to have good days and bad days. More good than bad so I've made it a long way since April 12, 2008!!! Certain things in life are harder to deal with while others, I just don't think about as much. I've learned to control my emotions by helping and keeping busy. As a grieving mother, I encourage others in my "shoes" to reach out to others. Talking to others and even volunteering for various things is what I've found helpful. It may work for youl, it may not. What we have to do is share our attempts for a happy life and encourage each other!

Get over it???

I've had some very rough days lately. I should not have to explain myself, but people need to realize that grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that parents will be "finished" or "get over" this type of loss.

I say this because recently I've been told that I need to be the "old Abby" and I cannot understand how people who have NOT been in my situation feel as if they can tell me how I should be. The loss of Braden and Brody was not like a scratch that heals in a few days. It is like a deep wound that will forever scar my life.

As much as it may make others uncomfortable that I lost the boys - I do not think they realize that I am uncomfortable as well. I don't think you can EVER be comfortable with "visiting" your children in the cemetery.

July 4th - Another Holiday Down!

We survived yet another holiday with family fun. It's upsetting to both Cary and I to see all the kids having such a great time swimming and playing together. Here we are the "sad" couple without kids! We just sit and dream! We want our babies there to share the fun. We wanted them to play with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews! My peace is knowing they are playing in Heaven and it's a BEAUTIFUL place. They don't have to get a sun burn, bitten by mosquitoes or stop playing if they don't want to! Have fun in heaven boys!

Father's Day#2

Today is Father's Day #2 without Braden & Brody. Cary is such a trooper! He had a father and sons breakfast with his dad this morning and a family lunch with my dad and grandfather. I could tell he was a little down, but he never mentioned it.

I hope that one day we'll have days like this to celebrate with children. I want hand made cards and special gifts from children. They make you smile! We will always remember our heavenly children!!! It would just be nice to experience a life of parenting!

Happy Father's Day to all of the wonder fathers out there. Whether you have children on this earth or in Heaven!!!

Love to Cary, Dad & Dale (father in law)

SAND!!!

Seeing names written in sand is always cute to me. Loni and Justin just spent a few days at the beach and Loni send me these pictures. What a special way to memember our babies!!! They will forever be in our hearts! Thanks for thinking of all of us Loni!!!!

Missing Pieces

I live day to day. Each morning, I do not know if it will be one of "those" days or not. My life is all about ups and downs and I've come to terms with the fact that this will never change. The hurt will always be there. It will NEVER leave me. I've recently started going to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. It is a grief counseling center for parents and grandparents who have lost a child and also for children who have lost a loved one. The few times I've been, I've enjoyed it. Not that grief is something that you should enjoy. The fact is, at the center I do not have to hide my tears, be strong , fake a smile or worry about making other people feel uncomfortable that my children died. I can be weak, pissed, sad, cry and acknowledge my boys! You can be who you are!

I am bitter. People really piss me off sometimes. I've had a comment lingering in my brain that makes me want to punch something... Can you believe a pregnant woman had the NERVE to tell me that she wasn't avoiding me. She was just staying away from me because she know's I'm jealous because she's pregnant. I cannot say that I am not jealous. It amazes me how some people kiss and get pregnant. It amazes me that people do not have the heart to not say what they are really thinking. I use caution when I speak and I feel others should as well. These comments are PAINFUL and my life is PAINFUL enough without them. I apologize that my children died and yours did not. That should be my comment but I do not feel like anyone deserves this PAIN. Are people jealous of me because my boys died? Maybe I should avoid people?

Recently I keep finding myself having little moments of tears. They appear out of nowhere. I do not know what causes them. Well, I know why I'm crying, but have no idea what triggers the tears. It could be a song, a road, a smell... It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like a puzzle that is missing pieces. I'm missing Braden and Brody!!!