I live day to day. Each morning, I do not know if it will be one of "those" days or not. My life is all about ups and downs and I've come to terms with the fact that this will never change. The hurt will always be there. It will NEVER leave me. I've recently started going to the Amelia Center in Birmingham. It is a grief counseling center for parents and grandparents who have lost a child and also for children who have lost a loved one. The few times I've been, I've enjoyed it. Not that grief is something that you should enjoy. The fact is, at the center I do not have to hide my tears, be strong , fake a smile or worry about making other people feel uncomfortable that my children died. I can be weak, pissed, sad, cry and acknowledge my boys! You can be who you are!
I am bitter. People really piss me off sometimes. I've had a comment lingering in my brain that makes me want to punch something... Can you believe a pregnant woman had the NERVE to tell me that she wasn't avoiding me. She was just staying away from me because she know's I'm jealous because she's pregnant. I cannot say that I am not jealous. It amazes me how some people kiss and get pregnant. It amazes me that people do not have the heart to not say what they are really thinking. I use caution when I speak and I feel others should as well. These comments are PAINFUL and my life is PAINFUL enough without them. I apologize that my children died and yours did not. That should be my comment but I do not feel like anyone deserves this PAIN. Are people jealous of me because my boys died? Maybe I should avoid people?
Recently I keep finding myself having little moments of tears. They appear out of nowhere. I do not know what causes them. Well, I know why I'm crying, but have no idea what triggers the tears. It could be a song, a road, a smell... It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like a puzzle that is missing pieces. I'm missing Braden and Brody!!!
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Taking BABY STEPS to mend broken hearts
About Me
- Abby
- I am a daughter, sister, wife and mother. My husband and I have been married for 11 years (October 2009.) I work for the home office for a surgical care company and he owns his own heating & air conditioning company. Our lives have changed so much in the past year. The #1 questions people always ask us is... How many kids do you have? My answer today is, I have two very special twin sons Braden and Brody who are in the arms of Jesus until they are in mine again!
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2 comments:
Hi Abby,
I know what you mean about enjoying your time at the grief center. I actually look forward to my support groups every month. I love that I can talk forever about what happenend without feeling akward.
And, I hear you about the friends thing too. I think I've severed some relationships since losing Ella. One of my oldest friends told me she was pregnant with her second just weeks after I lost Ella. I'm not mad at her for that, but I do feel so envious of her. Why can she have two and I can't even have one? To make matters worse, I feel she doesn't appreciate it. She complains to me about stupid things like the fact that her in laws will be out of town on her delivery date. I just want to say things like- we'll who cares, at least you'll get to walk out of the hospital with your baby. I guess no one understands until it happens to them.
I love what you and Loni are doing in honor of your babies. You're awesome!
Oh Abby. I'm so sorry that people say really stupid things. I can't understand it for the life of me. I don't know why some don't have that inner voice that tells them that some things are downright rude or totally inappropriate.
And I'm sorry that you have to live apart from your boys. I think you are doing such amazing things despite the fact that you still grieve. You are doing an awesome job, Abby. I can't imagine how hard it is, but I hope you'll let all that other stuff roll right off your back!
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