You look great!!!

Why do people feel the need to tell you that you look great. Does this mean you've looked like hell for so long? They didn't expect you to look "normal?"

PLEASE!!! Take my advise and don't be that person! People who have been thru something horrific live it everyday and do what they can to "look great" for others. Remember that the inside, it's not so great for us!

Twilight 11/21/08

Twilight was fun. It was a little funny because Edward (I heart him) was comical and you could hear the teenagers girl giggle. Why weren't they in school? I have no idea. I guess this was a special occasion.

All in all the movie was good. Jacob was a little disappointing - I didn't picture him to look like that. I liked Charlie. Alice was cute. The make-up reminded me a little of Edward Scissorhands. It stinks having to wait on the others to come out.

Some excitement - FINALLY!

I'm counting the hours down...

Twilight comes out in a few hours. Me and mom are going to see it tomorrow at 1. I'm leaving work early so I won't be stuck with the teenagers texting and talking on their cell phones the entire movie. If you are a Twilight fan, you may or may not know what this cake is about to the left. I made it for a friend of mine's daughter. She's into graphic design and she "jazzed" up this picture of the Paramore singer. FYI - they are a band on the soundtrack for Twilight so I thought this went perfect with my post.

How do I do it?

Honestly this day (April 15, 2008) is all a blur, but I can't explain how a hug like this makes you feel. Many, many days have passed since the boys funeral. I can't tell you how many times Cary's wrapped his arms around me like this to comfort me. This is how I make it each day.

And at night? a little Lunesta doesn't hurt! (thanks butterfly)

It's so simple?

It's been about a month since we found out our IVF transfer didn't take. Since then, we went to see the doc for our follow up visit. Just as I expected: he let us know the test was negative (like we don't remember that every day!), gave no answers (which I guess by this point I shouldn't expect any), and told us we could try with the frozen embryos whenever we wanted (forget the fact that we forked out thousands since last NOVEMBER and are so emotionally drained from it all) That simple.

It's very hard knowing when to try again. There is that constant fear.

Halloween was a bit strange. I love seeing all the kids dressed up in their costumes. I did not particularly enjoy being invited to churches for "trunk-or-treat." Not that I am against churches or anything like that. I just do not think people take into consideration how things like that effect the "non-parents" population. I'd love to go, I just want my own child there!!!

Test Day - October 1, 2008

Well, after waiting on the phone call ALL DAY - the pregnancy test from our "fresh" embryo came back as negative. I was sure it took since the doctor sold us on the fact we only needed to transfer one embryo since it was top grade. I knew I should have listened to my gut and gone with two. The bright side, if there is one, is that we still have the 5 frozen embryos to try again and I won't have to go thru the stomach shots. We will go back to the doctor in a few weeks for a follow-up visit. I assume he will remind us that it was negative and demand more money to try again...

Of course we are upset, but we will try again. I have faith things will turn out great - I just hope it's before I'm 40!

Embryo Transfer Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008 we had our embryo transfer. The morning started off with breakfast at Krystals with Cary. We then went to acupuncture for my "relaxation" time. Then off to ART. We made the decision to transfer two embryos but when we got the ART the doctor said that our embryos were top grade and they recommended we only transfer one. So, we decided to follow what they suggested and transferred the top embryo. I felt comfortable with this decision especially since we had embryos to freeze this round of IVF. After the transfer, we went back to acupuncture for my "post transfer affirmation." Let me just tell you, it's hard to relax when you can't stop giggling because some lady is telling you to "feel the energy flow from your hands to your uterus" and "picture the embryo that was transferred, it's floating in your uterus looking for the perfect spot." After that, we went and ate lunch at my favorite place Joel's and then went home. I relaxed on the couch the rest of the afternoon.

We ended up with one transferred and 5 frozen embryos!

We got very lucky!

This is where babies come from

In my world, this is where babies come from. Needles, big nasty bruises, acupuncture, a little of this and a little of that!

I meant to post this earlier but time got away from me. The shots all went well. My one little ovary worked VERY hard for us! With 20-25 follicles the doctor was able to retrieve 19 eggs on Wednesday (9/17.) Yes, from one ovary!

Thursday - Saturday 14 eggs had fertilized and divided. VERY GOOD NEWS!!!

ROUND TWO

Our journey begins once again. We had an appointment with the fertility office. This time things seem to be moving so fast. We went to get our IVF calendar on Monday 8/25 and they told me to start injections MONDAY night. A little problem. They should be more considerate and think about the situation, you bring me in, tell me to start meds the same day. Um, I don't have them!!!! Just an FYI - you can't just run and grab fertility medicine from Wal-mart. They come from a specialty pharmacy. As if the whole thing isn't frustrating and emotional enough for us, they also informed us that our payment must be made in full next Wednesday 9/3 (Happy Birthday Cary) IVF isn't cheap, thankfully insurance covered half of the first round, but we aren't so lucky this time. Things will work out I know! I'm just so frustrated and pissed off. It kills me knowing how hard we've tried for the past 8 years to have kids, then we get so excited when we were expecting the boys to have our hearts shattered at 22weeks when they were born. It's so unfair. Some people it just happens to so quickly, we are NOT those people. It's hard, but I can't get too angry at the irresponsible people in this world who get pregnant looking at someone and then don't want their babies or let other people raise their babies. I may need a Juno one day!

I'm way behind!!!

We got the boys marker in and it is beautiful!!! All that worrying for nothing.

Everyday is still hard. Somehow we manage.

Still Waiting

Well, it's almost been 3 months since the boys were born. Some days are good and some are bad. I still haven't been able to wear make-up for fear of having mascara streaks if the tears fall.
Lately we've been waiting on the boys' grave marker to come. I think once it is here it might make things a little easier. Right now it's just really hard going to spend a few minutes here and there looking at a dead patch of grass the wonderful cemetery doesn't care about. It's amazing the expense of the lots and they do not even take good care of the yards. I guess you only think about it when it's all you have.

The place we ordered the marker from says it should come in next Friday and they will set it sometime between the 18th and 23rd. I can't wait to see it. We had a bronze casting of the footprints done that will be on it.

We will see.

I will survive!

Somehow each day brings on more strength to make it. It's been very hard at times, but with the love of family and friends we have the comfort we need. Each one is dear to my heart and we wouldn't make it without them!

Our babies are in Heaven

On Saturday, April 12, 2008 I delivered our twin boys.

Please meet Baby A (Braden Lee Nicholas) and Baby B (Brody Lee Nicholas


Braden was delivered first at 15 1/2 ounces , 11 inches







Brody was delivered a few minutes later at 13 ounces, 10 inches







They were born at almost 22 weeks. It is so amazing the love you have for children you never got to know. God blessed us by allowing us the opportunity to see each of our twins and allow us to hold them. From their cute little nose to the tips of their toes, each one was perfect! I will never forget it!


These precious gifts we had are now in Heaven and we along with our wonderful families will see them and hold them again one day!


Thank you to everyone for all the support for both Cary and myself. We couldn't have made it without you!

Boys - March 26th

I've been a little behind on my updates but we went to the doctor on the 26th and we are having boys! It's much easier now knowing what these little ones are so we can pick out things for the nursery and NAMES!!!

So what will they be???

As you can see - baby A is photogenic while baby B is shy. We had an ultrasound our last visit and poor B was getting kicked in the head. B just took it face down and wouldn't move so this is the best shot they could get of him/her. Which brings me to...

We have our next appointment March 26th. This appointment will reveal the sex of the twins.

It's so hard not knowing what they are yet. I feel the need to pick a name now, things for the nursery now and little clothes and such. It makes it so hard, but we've waited this long so we'll make it.

It's funny people assume you want a boy and a girl. That would be "just perfect" and we'd be "finished" according to everyone. Is this the American dream? Can't they understand I am thankful for whatever I have. I mean considering what we've had to go through to get this little ones and others seem to spread 'em and get knocked up - I can't be picky!!! I will be happy with whichever we have. And they are identical so it couldn't be a boy and a girl anyway... THINK

16 weeks and still puking!!!

I'm 16 weeks pregnant now. What an amazing time this has been. The puking, hearing heartbeats, seeing them move around and even feeling them moving now... I've just now started getting a belly. I'd like to think I'm out of the "Is she fat or pregnant?" stage, but people think what they want!!!

Our next appointment on March 26th will reveal BOYS OR GIRLS??? I can't wait!

Feb 20th 2008

These two little ones are sucking the life out of this very excited mama. It will all be worth it I know.
As of today (Feb 20th), I am 14 weeks pregnant. It's been rough. I've lost 15 lbs and haven't gained any of it back. I'm sure my time will come so I shouldn't complain now. I've puked pretty much everyday since I can remember. Puking cheese-it's in the shower isn't pretty!!! Everyone says "it will end soon" but I think they are all liars!

We've gotten so used to seeing the babies each week. Their growth is amazing. It's sad, no more weekly ultrasounds, but it is a great feeling to go to my regular OB doctor rather than the fertility clinic. It's just not the same, but it is a huge step meaning everything is "normal" at this point.

Jan 5th 2008

Since the pregnancy test, we've gone to the doctor every week. Each week, they take blood to test hormone levels and do an ultrasound to make sure everything is taking as it should. Each week we go brings more and more news and hopes! We found out two weeks ago that we are having twins. We knew it was a possibility since Dr. Allemand implanted two eggs. We really didn't think it would be a reality. In fact, only one of the eggs that were implanted took. Out of that one, it split so we will have identical twins. Two peas in a pod!

The attached picture is of baby A and B at 12 weeks.

Pregnancy Test - December 11th

For the first time in my life, I was excited to have my blood taken. This could mean a whole life change for us.

Cary and I met for lunch today to await that one phone call we've been waiting for. The nurse called and my heart started racing. I knew I had to answer, but at the same time I was afraid of the results. We were so nervous to hear what she had to say. WE HAVE A POSITIVE PREGNANCY!!!

It's so amazing to me especially all that we've been through. God has truely blessed us so far.
I am, as of today, 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I haven't have any symptoms (that I'm aware of) yet, but I'm sure the time will come.